Sunday, November 1, 2009

I have been thinking long and hard. . . .

during my walk today, given that it was hot, my knee hurt & I was trying to break in some new shoes and ended up developing a freaking blister!! Make that "blisters"!!

So what does this have to do with thinking?? Well, first of all, when you are out there having a "not-so-great" workout, your brain (well, my brain anyway) goes through several versions of how things should be and how you should feel about those things. Second, anyone who does any kind of long workout, be it an Ironman, a marathon, a century ride or a long training day, knows that you have lots of time with YOURSELF!!

So, here is my brain on this particular walk:

"Oh, God, I just started & this knee brace is bugging the shit out of me . . . if I can't keep this little tag tucked in, I am going to just stop & go back home. Uh, no you're not . . . stop your whining and walk! It is hot!! This sucks! O.K., I am going to walk for only 30 mins. & have my husband come pick me up! O.K., I am feeling pretty good, Bob Marley is doing it for me . . . so I will keep going . . . OMG, this hill is so steep!! What the hell is your problem . . . stop being a wuss & push thru this & get up the hill . . . fine, but I am going to sit down on this person's shady wall & have some water. Oh, great, here comes some lady who is cruising pretty fast . . . hurry up, get off your ass & look like you "got this". . .

Am I getting a blister??? I really need to hit the pavement more. My feet think they are princesses who just get to lie around & not have to work, Well feet, you are wrong!! Screw you, blisters! I should have my hubby come get me. After all, I do have a half marathon to do next Sunday . . . having a blister will not be good . . . Oh yeah, just rely on your husband to come pick you up! You have only been out for an hour. Fine. Besides, what about Vit & Lola?? They are having a really tough time right now, so why don't you just suck it up & keep going? What the hell? Why are you getting all choked up & starting to cry?? Duh . . . my heart is broken because Vit & Lola had to make such a tough decision to put sweet Stewie down. That just sucks shit. No matter how you look at it, it sucks. What do I say? What do I do? You asked Vit how he was doing!! Dumbass, of course he is not doing well . . . shut up & just keep going. I have no words other than I love Vit & Lola and whatever they need, they can just ask. TIME!! It will take time. Doesn't time heal all wounds?? It does, mostly. But sometimes it seems that days, weeks, years will go by & something will happen and now the pain comes back. What the hell is that all about?

Look at this water running down the hill. Lots of it. It just runs right over the leaves, pine needles, Jack Daniels bottle that some dick threw out in the street. Nothing can stop it. Wow, what a metaphor for how we feel when we are sad. It just rushes over us. Hard to stop. Tears just rolling down our faces. It just has to happen. Hey, life is not always peaches & cream. Well, it is . . . but sometimes those peaches are rotten & that cream is curdled!

Oh lordy, lordy . . . is this walk over yet?? I am definitely getting a blister. Look, it's Balboa Blvd. Ooooh, I am getting close. An hour and 38 mins. I'm hungry. Ya know what, I am gonna stop, sit on this bus bench & eat my Accel Gel. Enjoy the cars going by. Life is pretty good. I see Stewie in my head . . . he is running & tussling around with other dogs. He can walk & run & piss and shit all by himself!!! He is really happy. And, he gets to hang out with Jerry Garcia!! Not to mention Janis Joplin, my grandpa, my grandma, my other grandpa . . . lucky dog. Some people say that we have to be baptised & accept Jesus Christ as our Lord & Saviour in order to get to heaven. But I think that is crap!! Stewie was not baptized and I"m not sure how he felt about Jesus, but I do know he is in heaven . . . so there!!

Time to get off the bus bench . . . get to the gas station to go pee. I am out of water. I'll get some at the gas station. Ooooh, The Black Eyed Peas. I can really boogey to this. I better not sing too loud. There may be someone behind me who hears me & thinks I am crazy. Hell, I think I'm crazy. I am having a full conversation in my head. Other people MUST do this?? Right?? Who cares.

Thank goodness my bladder is empty & this nice cold water tastes so good. I can keep going for sure. I wonder if Vit did his run?? He is probably done. Good for him.
This street is all up hill . . . ever so slightly. I am really hungry now. Let's see, it has been over 2 hours of walking . . . I still have a mile & a quarter. Hey, honey, can you come get me??? I am done.

No, I do not feel that bad. We all need a lift from time to time. I worked hard. It's okay to ask for help. That's what makes life so great. Yes, it does suck shit sometimes, but there is nothing that can't be done with the help of family & friends. Or even strangers for that matter.

Oh good, here is my hubby with the car. 2:14:31. Burned over 830 calories. Not sure how many miles I did, but I feel good. Thankful. Blessed. Tired. I want ice for my knees!!

Well, that is the 2-plus hours in my head. I can barely handle it. I appreciate your time & patience.

I guess I wrote this today to just let everything out. My sadness, my frustration, my elation . . . and whatever else.

So, I have iced my knees & fed my stomach and I am lying on the couch watching football. And I know that my next workout will be different. However that looks. Because it is life and things change all the time. For now, I am done thinking so damn long & hard. Let's go Eagles.

And for Vit & Lola & Dynamite . . . all the love you have for Stewie will forever be in your hearts & he is looking down on you sending all his doggie love. He knows how much he means to you, to all of us who knew him & love him.

Much Peace & love, TracerX

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